Solitude or Adventure?

The need to pack my bags and move away has been on my mind lately

I am emotionally unstable, I feel this fierce need to get away from everybody. The disturbing part is I don’t want to tell anyone, not my friends, not even family.

 I just want to disappear without a trace, like go to a place without service where I can’t be reached for a few months. Is that being selfish? my family would hurt and my friends would definitely wonder what happened to me.

I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but I really want to do this for me, I have tried convincing myself overtime that it doesn’t make any sense, I have people that love me around, why would I want to drop everything and just move to nowhere.

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What exactly is wrong with me? maybe I just need a change of environment, I have been here most of my life anyway, I’d like to travel and see whats out there, I want to explore, do many fun adventurous things, this is something I want to do alone, I haven’t discussed this with anyone because they might try to change my mind and tell me to stay put, if I don’t listen , they’d call me a rebel.

I am not scared to be called names but I have always been one to cherish family ties so I have never really done anything out of the ‘family comfort zone’, I have always listened to my parents, be the good girl they trained me to be.

These days, I want to soarrrrrrrr, do things and enjoy it to the fullest, live life. The need to get away is strong, I have been shaking it off for long now but I am afraid I won’t be able to hold up anymore, I might just give in any day now.

It could be a phase, I am not sure if i will ever stop thinking about this and finally settle down. Have you ever felt the strong desire to get away before? does it ever stop? I hope it does but until then, fingers crossed.

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15 thoughts on “Solitude or Adventure?

  1. I felt that plenty of times in my life. When I not even was a mother I left my old life from one day to the other. Great freedom but a hard way. I think I was searching myself. I think we ALL are searching ourselfes. It’s a way we should go. Then we will find a great feeling of inner peace and we know that we don’t need to go anywhere because we are there yet. 🙂

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    • I think we all need to go find ourselves whenever we are compelled to do so, we should constantly seek to rediscover ourselves and like you said, we will find a great feeling of inner peace. Thank you so much for this.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Some people probably could never stand the idea of solitude for a few months with no immediate access to the outside world. That’s not a bad thing. I think everyone is different and has their own comfort level with how often they prefer to be around or not around people. Reading your feelings about wanting to disappear without a trace reminds me of some of the same thoughts I’ve had. It’s not exactly that I wish to worry my family if I were to just up and leave, but it’s more like wanting to be able to go without having to explain to everyone why I’m going and why I need to be away for x amount of time.

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    • You totally get it! you understand my true feelings omg like the need to get away without having to explain myself. Thank you for stopping by, this really made my day

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      • I read your post earlier, the one that talked about how nervous you get dealing with opposite sex around your age, has this always been something you have to cope with or did you notice it at one point ?

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      • I think it’s something that has gradually gotten worse over the years. In school, particularly high school, was the hardest for me to be around the opposite sex because some guys used my gender against me, like, made syggestive comments because of I was a woman. And then I got harrassed for being a quiet person, which had nothing to do with my gender but because the perpetrators were male, I felt they had the upperhand against me and *could* threaten me not only due to my timidness but I subconsciously started to associate their threatening of me as intimidating due to how much smaller and “weaker” I was as a woman.

        Now as a 20-something adult, I can manage to fake calm around the opposite gender but generally if I’m like the only woman there in a group of men, I’ll either not know how to talk to them or I’ll stick to neutral/general topics. The most difficult irrational thing for me to overcome when I’m talking to a man who appears to be around or close to my age is I assume I have to be knowledgeable or interested in certain things. It’s similar to the regular social anxiety I have around people in general, where I think I need to be able to act or say certain things to seem “normal”.

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      • I am sorry you had to go through that, bully is part of the woes of high school especially for introverts like us, I used to keep to myself a lot and I avoided talking to people because I was timid but things started changing when I got to university, I had to do a lot of presentation to get over the fear of talking to people generally. I still have these fears sometimes because I don’t like looking like a fool so i choose my words while trying to sound smart so they can rate me. You are not the only one that feels like this but gradually you need to be more comfortable with yourself, i think it has to do with being brave and the self assurance that you understand your topic of discussion well so you can flow well during conversation and it will be better to steer clear of topics you aren’t too interested in. That should help for now. I don’t know you that well but I think you are brilliant and you can handle whatever situation , you (we) need to let go of our past demons, we shouldn’t let certain memories stop us from exploring and doing great things. I am with you Nat, totally get you

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      • Over time, I have seen and felt the negative effects of the memory of the pain, rather the actual experience of stuff happened to me. Remembering the pain and unintentionally recalling it whenever I’m faced with a situation where I am unsure and uncomfortable, it might be instinctual for the mind to rely on past experiences to determine how I’ll fare in the present situation. That’s where I can see that, yes, certain memories do inhibit me. I just don’t know how to let go of those things. I’ve been afraid of myself for a very long time.

        Being brave and self-assured is something I have to continue working on. I’m not kidding when I say it used to be much worse for me, to the point if people tried to converse with me, my default was to either say almost nothing or not speak at all because I got super anxious just from that one little interaction. I have a come a long way since then… I’m still quiet but around certain types of people, it seems I can be more relaxed and talkative. It depends on the situation and environment too.

        To me, it’s actually still a big deal to even be able to talk to people face to face as I am still recall those painful times in my past when I could not and it was both embarrassing for me and the people around me. Presentations scare me. I had a thing where I was just volunteering for an event but somehow had to do one of those ice breakers where people have to answer a question and each person has their turn answering the question at length. It wasn’t my first time in recent times doing this type of thing but my god I was scared. I answered the question (while standing up and like 8 ppl looking at me) but idk if I did it well because I just wanted to get it over with and have the attention off of me.

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      • I think writing about it also helps too, it’s good that you are working hard on getting better. Slow and steady but surely the memories will stop having so much effect. You should go out more too if you can, visit places, join a book club, you’d be surprised at how much these little things go a long way. Keep fighting

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