Back to Bedlam

I don’t want to go back

I was home over the weekend for the Easter break, it was nice being with friends and family again. I had fun of course and I am sure I added an extra pound because all I did majorly was eat and sleep. It was a good break and I am glad it happened, I needed the rejuvenation and strength to go on with things here. By ‘here’ I mean Work which has been the major highlight of my days these past months. All I do is work, work, work like Rihanna 😉

I started the Job with one thing in mind; Go out and be productive, it didn’t matter if I liked the job at the time, I just wanted to do something, anything to avoid sleeping and getting fat at home, so with this in mind, I started work. It’s been 5 months now since I started and to be very honest with myself, I am not sure anymore. Do I like the job? Not really. Do I get any satisfaction after the whole day at work? Absolutely NOT. Have I learned on the job? Yes. Have I improved myself on the job? Yes. So we can say the pro outweighs the cons that is, not considering my mental health. A lot of people don’t like their jobs but they are doing it anyway so why not just go on and stop whining. Yes I keep telling myself that. I work as a receptionist/customer service rep and as an introvert, this position was something that required lots of courage for me. I can’t deal with many people, I do not like dealing with people at all so I have always avoided it because well, I love my solitude and I can’t just be bothered to interact with people. Taking that job was a risk I was willing to take and I realized I could actually do it. I stopped being afraid and to my surprise, I was/still am very good at it and people actually want to talk and have conversation with me. Whoop!

After all these achievement, what’s there not to like? Many people would love to have my job because well, it’s pretty easy yeah (I hear this everyday) People come over to my desk and say things like ‘you are enjoying o’, ‘you have the easiest job here’ and I just smile because if only they knew. The beauty is they can’t because it’s part of my job not to make them know. I pride myself on being a strong person, I have been through some things that normally, people would just give up on but that’s not who I am. I am a survivor, I have been trained to want more out of life which brings me back to the nature of my job. I just want to do more, I want to do more than smile and make people feel welcome, I want to do more than sit behind a desk and wait for the next call to pick. I want to show my real emotions, I don’t want to have to force a smile even on days when I don’t feel like because my job requires it, I want to be free, I want to love what I do which brings me to my next question. What do I want to do? This is something I have been thinking about a lot, I mean if you don’t like what you are doing, shouldn’t you at least have something you’d like to do!?

That’s what makes my situation different or maybe not so much. I don’t know what I want to do next, I mean I know I’d be good at a lot of things but I can’t do it all obviously. I need to carve a niche for myself, I need to understand what I want to do exactly, I need to stop testing waters, I just want to dive in and rise above the tide. It is just me or does this happen to everyone in their twenties. Am I being too hard on myself because I keep pushing myself to be better, I feel I don’t have a lot of time on my hand, I have been thinking of going further in my education and resigning at my job but the fear of the unknown is another major factor. I have learned that Life is one big risk and that’s why many a times, I just want to go back to being kids with smeared faces, playing in the sand with not a care in the world.

I figured I have to decide on what to do soon anyway because in as much as I do very well at my job, I need to do something for me, I don’t want to end up with the majority, I need to love what I do because I know I will burn out soon, I can’t keep up with the pretense, I will eventually say fuck it and leave without a game plan which will definitely result in disaster.

I am back here, wishing the break wouldn’t end, smiling and pretending to like it here while I think about what’s good for me. This place depresses me but i believe every dark cloud has a silver lining. Mine should appear soon enough, I hope.

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5 thoughts on “Back to Bedlam

  1. I think actually this is the best job for you. For introverts like us it is important to learn conversation with people. Without fear. Maybe you can see it as an daily lesson for being normally. 😉 I know: never we will be “normally” but we should try to participate in this world. Sometimes my daily goal is no more than not to die if a human talk to me. Really! For anybody that sounds like a joke. For me those are little victories.

    Like

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