Downhill

Some days I am in a good place, some days I am not. Today is one of those days I am not, I haven’t had a lot of good days lately, sigh I am so tired. I need my mummy but I also need to be a grown-up. I don’t believe i  am not a fun person, i try not to get attached easily and definitely not impulsive so that’s why I keep asking myself how I got here. I have always been saving myself from experiencing the things I feel right now, I am so upset and it makes me angry that I am. People always leave, I know this first hand, close relatives have demonstrated this, so why do I keep making myself believe that perhaps just one person might stay. I get emotional sometimes, I really do but my friends would probably say it’s not true, they can’t see through the surface, I must be very good at hiding what I feel. I am such a cry baby and there is every possibility that they’d still not believe this if they read this post. I allow myself to feel things I shouldn’t feel, like I know this road is rocky, I know taking a trip down that road will end in disaster but do I ever listen! I have been in a long relationship for over a year now and it’s been really hard. I miss him, most especially, the easy way I could talk to him about everything. We still do that every day but it’s not the same, there is something about physical connection that can’t be compared to anything. I know he loves me and I really love him too……

So why do I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, i find it hard to cry, tears won’t come, I am so tired. This is the part where I go numb and say fuck it. I probably don’t make sense to you right now, that’s the point. I can’t make sense of anything happening with me presently or maybe I know, I sometimes feel like going on a road trip and never come back, I just want to find a happy place or is that too much to ask for, I am not strong, I am tired of being strong, I need to be held, I need someone to look me in the eyes and tell me everything will be okay with so much sincerity I wouldn’t have any choice but to believe. I need your attention, don’t discard me, and don’t throw me away like I am nothing. I am a woman crying inside because I can’t tell you all these things, I don’t want you to see how frail I am, can’t you see that I need you now more than ever!?

You probably don’t know, you’d probably never find out and that’s okay, I will pick myself up and find a balance like I always do, I will be fine I guess or maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe the distance is getting to me but we both know this is not about my long distance relationship, this is about my own personal demon, this is about me not being able to talk to any other person because the only person I talk to is miles away and I have learned that most people aren’t genuinely interested in you, they probably want something from you at that point in time and once their interest begin to wane, they leave and you don’t take it too hard because you knew that would happen but you aren’t too sad. Your only love, although miles away is still with you, he is the only one that might never leave, he loves you too much for now and maybe that’s okay.

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4 thoughts on “Downhill

  1. Parts of it is what I would have written if I poured my heart out. This world is a harsh place indeed and there are no free lunches and the sooner we accept it, the easier it gets to make peace with the reality of life.
    Best wishes!!

    Liked by 1 person

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