Comatose

I can’t explain how it happened,

all I know is that something changed

Like a triple effect

I realized I might have been in this state for too long

Waiting for a shift, a change or perhaps a sign

I have been wandering in a circle

Not really stepping out of anything, just rolling

Thinking the movement counts

as long as I am still moving

It doesn’t matter if I go round and round without change

I feel bottled in,

like there is no escape from this mental torture

Could it be some form of eternal damnation?

I have lived life on my terms or

so I have been thinking

I have wasted too much time in this damned circle

My body understands this very much now

The problem is with my spirit

It has grown accustomed to being boxed in,

so comfortable in this position

Not concerned about how much life is passing by

nor how time keeps flying

It is a case of the body willing but

I need my entire being in sync together

To nudge me out of this long overdue coma

Today I woke up…..

Today I woke up happy, ready to face the world.

Scrap that! Today I woke up with one thought in my head! Here we go again, I just wanted to lay in bed and be useless all day. I only got out of bed because I got bills to pay not because I look forward to living everyday. I have been asking myself a whole lot of question lately and it borders on “how did I get here?” I must have made series of bad decisions which I didn’t think anything of at the time: perhaps I liked the way it made me feel so why the hell not, I probably knew it was going to end this way and the truth is I didn’t listen. It is called living in the moment yeah.. If living in the moment was such a bad idea then why do we talk about it so much, we’d say ” all you have is now ; live in the moment” and probably regret it later. Is there any right rule to living ? Do you ever know how much the decisions you make now will affect you later? I understand all actions have consequences but how much? wouldn’t it be nice to know the end result of most things; people say there is no fun in that but I have a problem with the phrase “beauty of the unknown.”

What do you do when you no longer find comfort in something that used to feel like home? how does it make you feel to be so unsure of something you used to have so much faith in? it gets to a point where your heart aches at the thought of it and all you just want to do is go back in time and change the course of the tide; don’t you think life would be so much easier if we could all go back in time to avoid present realities,of course it would be but then there wouldn’t be consequences and we would all live a reckless life far worse than how we live now. There are no rules to living, be it living in the moment or not; it doesn’t matter whether you choose to be careful with how you live or not. Life ends up catching up with all of us and sometimes, it is not pretty.

ALIVE or alive…..

What exactly is living? How do you know if you are living life, Is that different from breathing, would you say being alive or perhaps feeling alive, do they really differ or are they all just semantics ?

Today I woke up, I am breathing, I am alive but am I living and do I really feel alive? Is it okay to try to fill the void with the consolation of being able to breathe? Is it okay not to be selfish and be okay with being alive instead of feeling alive? perhaps I should stop with all these narratives, I mean who coined all these words ? aren’t they all just semantics

Phases can last forever…

I am a sad writer! is that a good thing? I shouldn’t have to be sad before I get the nagging urge to write but the other option would be to cry; I can’t do that, I am at work. I would like to curl up in one corner and cry till my eyes bulge; I want to forget about the world and the people around me for a week and cry till my body is devoid of every liquid. Our third anniversary is in 5 days; why am I talking like its something to look forward to! It was meant to be in 5 days but do I have to put in the details? I don’t think so. You have an idea

I am completely broken; I still walk tho and I probably look fine on the outside but my soul is shattered, it doesn’t get any easier I mean how do you wake up one day and realize your life is no longer on course, what is the point of it all, do I have to reroute again only for the ship to sink again, I choose not to be strong; I will not be strong, I am tired of being strong, the pain I feel right now is so intense and incomparable to anything I have ever felt, I have intermittent urge to scream at the universe and I have a lot of question. What will happen to me, how am I supposed to live life like my heart isn’t in fragments, how am I supposed to keep faking a smile because I’d rather not talk about it, it is a phase alright but we all know phases can last forever…

SUCKER PUNCH

“This has nothing to do with the movie LOL”

We all have our days, moments of total abandonment, times when it gets really overwhelming you just want to bare it all, it could be a song that triggered the lost feeling or you see something you used to enjoy and you just couldn’t help yourself, It might even be a question of what might have been.

You start to reminisce, wanting to do things you’d rather not do or things you have talked yourself out of doing many times.

I just had mine and its not pretty. What do I blame this on?

I have always been about moving forward with life, sucker punch whatever comes my way because nothing is going to hold me down, this  has always worked for me; putting things aside, not letting my emotions go overboard but the truth is, I still get sucked in; sometimes so deep it takes the whole of my day while I wallow in self pity and think about how my life might have turned out if I had done something differently. ugh! just a bunch of what if’s. It is so tiring and it never helps. Yes I have my days just like I said earlier but the most important thing is, I know it will happen like that sometimes and just like every other thing I have had to sucker punch back to where it came from, this is no exception. I have learned to WIN.

I will stop here today, duty calls and I am going through a new phase in life, I just started a new job, today makes it my 4th day and so far, it’s been okay. My role might be very challenging as I have heard from the employees I met at my new job.

Whatever happens along this new journey, I embrace and at the same time SUCKER PUNCH.

I will definitely write more on it as time goes on…..

See ya.

Don’t.

Who do you think you are?

How do you step in here

And tell me it shouldn’t hurt this much

What do you know about pain?

When have you ever felt

like your life shattered into many pieces

broken edges, scattered around you

never to be made whole again

Tell me, can you describe this feeling?

Don’t speak on how I grief

You don’t know anything about it

You don’t even know the half of it

Tonight, I cried.

Tonight I cried

Free flowing

nerve wrecking tears

Of what I cry for

I do not know

nor do I care to find out

Tonight I cried

I willed myself to stop

But I couldn’t find the willpower

nor the sheer willingness to stop

So I cried till I fell asleep

And dreamt of fountains

A grand sight,

a beauty to behold

Perhaps I will wake up smiling

But right now,

I will keep this dream alive

It is better than any reality

Life without you.

I know we said to let go

but part of me still wake up  with a little hope

that you might want us back

I have always been the one to quell the fire

but I know I’d be waiting a long time if I expect you to do anything

about the pain we both feel

It’s a shame now;

I have decided to see how long I can endure the pain this time

and every day

I am starting to embrace life without you 

Speak Life

It was  4:07PM on a sunny Thursday afternoon and this thought came to my head, how have I survived thus far!?  I have had my share of crazy days and the past few months have been nothing but eventful, I wish it were events I’d like to relive but it is quite the opposite. One of the things that have kept me going all the while has been self-proclamations. “Speak life into yourself every day and you might actually get through your day”, I actually just coined that quote right now but that is by the way. The important thing is, I read somewhere that it doesn’t matter what is going on in your life, you must always avoid negative talk/negativity. Putting spirituality in it now, “out of the abundance of heart, the mouth speaks”. You have to be very careful what you say to yourself. I mean you have serious issues you are dealing with, do you really want to make it worse by saying nasty things to yourself?

My head really aches, it has been established by my brain of course, that is why I can feel it and except I go to the doctors to complain so I can get proper medication to treat myself, I am not sure I’d like to turn it into a nursery rhyme, I’d rather say “I am well, I am healthy, my head is fine, my body is fine” Is this going to make the headache stop? Maybe, maybe not but I’d rather say that while I use MEDICATION. Putting spirituality into it again, what’s that thing about faith? “Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

The word that comes out of your mouth is a strong weapon, “death and life are in the power of the tongue”.

We must always think about the consequences of the things we say to ourselves.

Wake up every morning and speak positively to your life

At every point where you feel like all isn’t well, make positive declarations.

Today I declare peace of mind

Today I assert that my skin is clear

Today, all is well with me

Look into the mirror if that will help, speak to the image in front of you.

When every other thing is failing in our lives, what is the one thing that keeps us going?

You’d notice I didn’t use “pray” as much, I believe most of us already know that “Prayer is the master key” but then again, this post isn’t focused on how well you pray or not and this is not a motivational brouhaha trust me, we all have crazy days; in some cases, those days just seem to stretch much further. I am not saying don’t put in the necessary work of course, faith without work is dead same as proclamations without work. As much as you work hard, always affirm that things are going to be just fine no matter how gray it looks now. This works for me all the time, just thought I’d share; might work for you too; who knows. 

Broken

We always knew this would happen

It didn’t stop us from digging deeper anyway

The odds were too much

We couldn’t go against it

It’s like the universe threw us at each other

Only to rip us apart altogether

Could we have fought harder?

Well now we will never find out

We are broken.