ispeakloudthoughts

The Cycle

It has been a weird couple of months, you know series of events and never ending brouhaha.

It feels like flying and sinking at the same time.

It feels like fire and ice on most days and these emotions run deep.

There is a rotation between apathy and empathy, like a maze! this way, that way, which way.

It is mostly a question of “why is this shit happening”

There should be a switch , a click that ends it all, the despair, the never ending quest to break free, the drag and fear of being mediocre, the constant ache for something so high above, the recklessness and the resigned feeling of putting it to a halt.

This season has been different, there is no need to compare with previous ones

What would be the basis of the comparison ? What is the point ?

Some days; I feel Ugly

Some days; I feel ugly

No, I know I am not ugly

This is not the time for you to point out how you think I am Cleopatra and should be in a glass casing to be showcased in the most expensive art exhibit.

Someone did told me that really

It’s okay, this person overdid it

Yes I know, don’t point that out too

Some days; I feel ugly

Alright back to what I was saying

It probably won’t reflect in a picture or it might if I try to take a picture

The problem is I don’t bother with a camera whenever I feel this way

Two or more people might walk up to me and show faux concerns

“Are you okay, you don’t look great”

The other problem is I don’t bother to check how I look because in that moment; looking great is the last thing on my mind

I appreciate your concern regardless

Some days; I feel ugly

It’s okay, don’t worry about me

It’s not every day

It’s just some days

Are you still with me?

I might come back and talk about the other days

Those days when

I feel pretty

Hello Darkness

This time around, I have managed to hold it all in, trying not to flinch and doing my best not to be affected, but who am I kidding…

my heart can only take so much! I feel myself drifting gently, swaying off beat, the music isn’t flowing through me, my eyes are not closed to the sound of a soulful ballad. This time it feels like a plunge into a dark abyss….

A sunken place long forgotten

I might get the strength to call for help, perhaps there is a log on the trail, something to hold on to maybe

but this place repels happy gathering…

I fear for this body, the soul is in jeopardy and I don’t know how much I can hold it off anymore.

Comatose

I can’t explain how it happened,

all I know is that something changed

Like a triple effect

I realized I might have been in this state for too long

Waiting for a shift, a change or perhaps a sign

I have been wandering in a circle

Not really stepping out of anything, just rolling

Thinking the movement counts

as long as I am still moving

It doesn’t matter if I go round and round without change

I feel bottled in,

like there is no escape from this mental torture

Could it be some form of eternal damnation?

I have lived life on my terms or

so I have been thinking

I have wasted too much time in this damned circle

My body understands this very much now

The problem is with my spirit

It has grown accustomed to being boxed in,

so comfortable in this position

Not concerned about how much life is passing by

nor how time keeps flying

It is a case of the body willing but

I need my entire being in sync together

To nudge me out of this long overdue coma

Today I woke up…..

Today I woke up happy, ready to face the world.

Scrap that! Today I woke up with one thought in my head! Here we go again, I just wanted to lay in bed and be useless all day. I only got out of bed because I got bills to pay not because I look forward to living everyday. I have been asking myself a whole lot of question lately and it borders on “how did I get here?” I must have made series of bad decisions which I didn’t think anything of at the time: perhaps I liked the way it made me feel so why the hell not, I probably knew it was going to end this way and the truth is I didn’t listen. It is called living in the moment yeah.. If living in the moment was such a bad idea then why do we talk about it so much, we’d say ” all you have is now ; live in the moment” and probably regret it later. Is there any right rule to living ? Do you ever know how much the decisions you make now will affect you later? I understand all actions have consequences but how much? wouldn’t it be nice to know the end result of most things; people say there is no fun in that but I have a problem with the phrase “beauty of the unknown.”

What do you do when you no longer find comfort in something that used to feel like home? how does it make you feel to be so unsure of something you used to have so much faith in? it gets to a point where your heart aches at the thought of it and all you just want to do is go back in time and change the course of the tide; don’t you think life would be so much easier if we could all go back in time to avoid present realities,of course it would be but then there wouldn’t be consequences and we would all live a reckless life far worse than how we live now. There are no rules to living, be it living in the moment or not; it doesn’t matter whether you choose to be careful with how you live or not. Life ends up catching up with all of us and sometimes, it is not pretty.

ALIVE or alive…..

What exactly is living? How do you know if you are living life, Is that different from breathing, would you say being alive or perhaps feeling alive, do they really differ or are they all just semantics ?

Today I woke up, I am breathing, I am alive but am I living and do I really feel alive? Is it okay to try to fill the void with the consolation of being able to breathe? Is it okay not to be selfish and be okay with being alive instead of feeling alive? perhaps I should stop with all these narratives, I mean who coined all these words ? aren’t they all just semantics

Phases can last forever…

I am a sad writer! is that a good thing? I shouldn’t have to be sad before I get the nagging urge to write but the other option would be to cry; I can’t do that, I am at work. I would like to curl up in one corner and cry till my eyes bulge; I want to forget about the world and the people around me for a week and cry till my body is devoid of every liquid. Our third anniversary is in 5 days; why am I talking like its something to look forward to! It was meant to be in 5 days but do I have to put in the details? I don’t think so. You have an idea

I am completely broken; I still walk tho and I probably look fine on the outside but my soul is shattered, it doesn’t get any easier I mean how do you wake up one day and realize your life is no longer on course, what is the point of it all, do I have to reroute again only for the ship to sink again, I choose not to be strong; I will not be strong, I am tired of being strong, the pain I feel right now is so intense and incomparable to anything I have ever felt, I have intermittent urge to scream at the universe and I have a lot of question. What will happen to me, how am I supposed to live life like my heart isn’t in fragments, how am I supposed to keep faking a smile because I’d rather not talk about it, it is a phase alright but we all know phases can last forever…

SUCKER PUNCH

“This has nothing to do with the movie LOL”

We all have our days, moments of total abandonment, times when it gets really overwhelming you just want to bare it all, it could be a song that triggered the lost feeling or you see something you used to enjoy and you just couldn’t help yourself, It might even be a question of what might have been.

You start to reminisce, wanting to do things you’d rather not do or things you have talked yourself out of doing many times.

I just had mine and its not pretty. What do I blame this on?

I have always been about moving forward with life, sucker punch whatever comes my way because nothing is going to hold me down, this has always worked for me; putting things aside, not letting my emotions go overboard but the truth is, I still get sucked in; sometimes so deep it takes the whole of my day while I wallow in self pity and think about how my life might have turned out if I had done something differently. ugh! just a bunch of what if’s. It is so tiring and it never helps. Yes I have my days just like I said earlier but the most important thing is, I know it will happen like that sometimes and just like every other thing I have had to sucker punch back to where it came from, this is no exception. I have learned to WIN.

I will stop here today, duty calls and I am going through a new phase in life, I just started a new job, today makes it my 4th day and so far, it’s been okay. My role might be very challenging as I have heard from the employees I met at my new job.

Whatever happens along this new journey, I embrace and at the same time SUCKER PUNCH.

I will definitely write more on it as time goes on…..

See ya.

Don’t.

Who do you think you are?

How do you step in here

And tell me it shouldn’t hurt this much

What do you know about pain?

When have you ever felt

like your life shattered into many pieces

broken edges, scattered around you

never to be made whole again

Tell me, can you describe this feeling?

Don’t speak on how I grief

You don’t know anything about it

You don’t even know the half of it

Tonight, I cried.

Tonight I cried

Free flowing

nerve wrecking tears

Of what I cry for

I do not know

nor do I care to find out

Tonight I cried

I willed myself to stop

But I couldn’t find the willpower

nor the sheer willingness to stop

So I cried till I fell asleep

And dreamt of fountains

A grand sight,

a beauty to behold

Perhaps I will wake up smiling

But right now,

I will keep this dream alive

It is better than any reality